Waiting on my Joy in the Morning

Revelations have a way of making you feel relaxed, relieved, re-whatever....but for me its giving me even more of the shakes.

For the past while I've been feeling a way I've felt before. Depressed, lonely, frustrated, worried, you know, just feeling down and out. No obvious reason to, I'm loved by family, have a job, and a place to lay my head at night. But when I'm in a glass half empty kind of mood, all kinds of devil's advocate plays games with my mind. Loved by family, but they live far away. have a job, but it overworks me on a daily basis, stresses me often to the point of burnout and doesn't pay enough to move me to the next level in ownership (you take your chice a car, house, home, etc). A place to lay my head, which is small, cramped, and currently undergoing exterminations, the frustrations of living in a place where college kids move in and out seemingly monthly.

Today while eating my 50 billionth snack of the day, (coincidentally having a lazy day at home does nothing for my get fit plans) I realized something.....I finally remember the last time I felt like this, and what happened is the reason that keeps me up most nights, keep me from waking up refreshed and worry me at random times of the day. The last time I felt like this I prayed and prayed to God to move me, change my life, give me something new to deal with and was hoping it would all get better. I was deep in the throws of weekly Bible Study which always taught me to ask God for what I needed, isn't the old saying you have not because you ask not?

Two months later I was diagnosed with a double dose of cancer, Ovarian and Endometrial Cancer, and at age 26 was fighting for my life with multiple surgeries, chemo, & radiation. It was like a whirlwind, I thought nothing of the frustrations I had during those months before diagnosis, I spent my time throwing up, watching daytime tv, and wondering what man was gonna want me now that I was missing organs specific to womanhood.

Fast forward 6 years later and here I am again. Some say that momentary bouts of depression/sadness is normal in life. I agree. Will I wake up tomorrow and smile at fellow churchgoers, hit the market and come home to do errands, yes. Will I put on a brave face and go to work Monday, with rollerblades on for the constant walking up and down the school hallways that I do each day, yes. Come home cook dinner, exercise, etc etc..... life will go on, and hopefully some of those deep dark wishes that I tell no one about will actually come through. But what worries me more is that everyday for the last 6 years I have worried that just when things will start to look up, cancer will return.

Most of my friends and family will tell me not to worry, some may even go so far as telling me its a lack of faith that has me thinking this way. Maybe it is, I don't deny that I have some doubts. Something about feeling like I was kicked while I was down, has me feeling that way. I do love God however, and do believe that He does have my best interests at heart. What confuses me is the difference between what life is like and what I feel I need it to be like. God knows the desires of your heart, I can rattle off the cliches as easily as I take breaths in a day. I'm just a bit confused about what He thinks is in my heart, cause worrying about a remission of cancer surely isn't what I want to be in my heart.

The problem is that I'm scared to pray about it. I've tried researching the Bible, meditating, googling whatever I can do but I can't shake the feeling that my prayers end up exactly opposite to what I need them to do. What if God feels like there she is complaining again and decides to give me a double dose of horror, just to again show me that life wasn't really that bad. I'm not mad at God for allowing me to have cancer. Ok maybe I am, but I can accept it, to some extent. I can accept that life isn't fair, every time I hear one of my students tell me the horrors of their home life, I know life ain't fair. I can accept a bit of weeping in the night, I'm just waiting for my joy in the morning.


I'm still working on accepting all of the things I now have to deal with based on my experiences, check back in a couple of years and maybe I would have healed from that too. I can only be real though so you'll excuse me if the zillionth baby shower invite I get in my email inbox goes unread, cause I can only put on a brave face every now and then. Just so you know, just like not wanting to hear sappy love song when you've just broken up, I don't want to hear a sappy love song, watch a wedding story, or unscramble baby words at a shower right now. Check with me tomorrow and when I put back on the brave face, I'll be the Sophia that everyone is used to, Miss the Sun will Come Out Tomorrow.

To be continued....maybe