Tofu advice......

Folks at work are getting ready to make me wanna lose my religion. No really, they make me wanna lay that salvation down for just one second, handle my business, repent, then pick it back up. I don't know what it is, but these folk love to tell you exactly what's on their mind. I don't mind the rambling so much but when they feel the need to start "giving me advice", then I have to put my foot down.

When you're single as long as I have been lately, then people always want to give you advice. Even when you're not asking for it. As a matter of fact, I think they give me advice most times just because I'm not asking for it. Bunned up people think that ALL singles think and talk about is their perpetual state of singleness. Ok being single doesn't cross my mind every second of the day. Nor do I give every man I encounter the ring check look and then proceed to tabulate their "should I go for it score". First of all I live in DC, and the pickings are slim. Yeah I said it. They are. For us "don't wanna meet the man in the club" ladies, the barrel is kinda empty. I ride metro regularly, but darn it my commute ain't long enough to get past the sexy flirty smile game with a potential hottie. By the time I bat my eyelash good, I hear the chime of my stop next.

But anyway I digress (and I do do that often, so bare with me) other folks are ALWAYS telling me 1- why they think I'm single and 2- what I should do to "hook" a man. I'll deal with #1 first.

I've heard it all. Some of the stuff is pretty typical. I'm too picky, too selective, not approachable, too successful (the vote is still out on that one), too virtuous, blah blah blah. I usually kinda tune them out cause its not worth the effot to argue. They must feel like its their job to me or something. Sometimes I think they may be more uncomfortable with my singleness than I am.

Today I was sitting in my office trying to get some work done, when one of the older women at my job walked in (notice I did not say knocked then walked in) and sat down. Now my usual tactic to get folk out of my office when they do this is to keep typing and not make eye contact while saying hi. I figure if I keep looking at the PC screen then obviously people will realize I'm too busy to really chit chat, they'll ask the question then keep it moving. But she hit me with the "I've been worrying about you" bit, and I knew I was in it for the long haul.

She gave me the usual "Did you meet anyone this weekend" start to the convo. Between the laundry, exercise and laying up on my couch not doing a darn thing, not sure how I could have met the man of my dreams, but I entertained her questions nontheless. Then she said "Well baby (said in that country drawl) you single cause...."

I think I went into day dream mode, cause this convo had a familiar twang I certainly was not in the mood for. But somewhere in the midst of my daydreaming I heard a word that caught my attention: tofu. Brought myself back to reality and said "What? Did you just say tofu?"

"Baby you single cause you eat too much damn tofu!"

Uhhhhhh yeah.....guess I haven't heard it all. Too much tofu? Does tofu emit a smell I don't know about? Something I didn't realize is changing my body chemisty and make me a hands off woman for potential suitors? Nah she said, just too much tofu. "Any man worth a woman's time eats meat" "Ain't no man gonna want you cause you won't cook him meat" "Get off that hippie, white girl foolishness and get you some chicken. Start practicing with some bbq sauce, get you some good Canola oil (cause I know you like that healthy stuff) and fry up some practice pieces" "Men will come calling, I promise you".

Ladies so there you have it. The reason for my singleness. After picking myself up of the floor, wiping my eyes from the tears of laughter, I thanked Ms. Tofu Advice Lady, and came home to share this with the world. All you single non meat eating ladies.....listen up.

Some practice pieces of fried chicken is the answer to all those nights of loneliness.