I'll Never Get Tired of Listening...

Its something I've probably said a thousand and one times in my years of providing therapy.  I sometimes say it as an introduction to clients who seem like their suspicious of me as their new therapist.  Sometimes I say it to remind clients I've been seeing for years, who assume I'm not paying attention.  And sometimes it just needs to be said.

"I'll Never Get Tired of Listening".  Its a very important thing to say to a client.  After all we're taught to listen but for kids especially they don't have much opportunity to share openly without someone rushing them through their story, or telling them what to do even before they've even finished.  So I say it.  And I mean it.  I've heard good stories and bad, truths and lies, and in all the years I've been doing this I realize, there's a gem in everything they say.  And there's a trust that built when clients realize that you're giving them time to talk.

I do it for friends and family too.  Its almost 2nd nature to me to hear minutes, hours, days worth of talk from people.  I know a lot of times there's not much I can say to fix their issues, but to be a listening ear is something that heals sometimes in ways we don't always understand.  And although I don't always get it right I do it, because I know its needed.  Sometimes its all I can do to sit on my hands and tape my mouth shut because a response is not what they need.  An ear is what they need.  My advice is always there to give but I'm ok with holding on to it until its ready to be received.

And so here I am sitting on my couch realizing that I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that to me.  In a position where a chronic illness or two (or three) has taken over my life, its very easy to get bogged down by the daily grind.  Here's what they don't tell you about a chronic illness.... its chronically present.  Everyday whether I want it or not, whether I've had a good nights sleep or slept for 30 minutes.  Whether I am full of meds or struggling because every pill came back up before I had a chance to let it work its here.  And when you're first getting sick, those who are true are around, they're there to hold your hand and help you function.  After a while people's lives move on.  The only person who's life has to and should permanently alter is mine.  My diagnosis is mine.

The honest, painful truth is that naturally people probably get tired of hearing my symptoms and issues and everything else that's ugly about my life right now.  Learning to read people and know what their limits are is tough.  Often times I say 20% if what I really want/need to say because I'm always trying to gauge verbals and non verbals.  Are your eyes glazing over while I talk?  Are you looking like you don't care?  Do you seem like its too much for you to handle? If you ask me how I'm doing, do you want the truth or do you want a nice canned answer?

Its all so much to try to figure out.  Most days I'm too exhausted to try to figure it out.

You know that old saying "You don't look like what you've been through?"  Its become a curse in my life.  The routine to "look presentable" is necessary because I could never go to work looking like what I feel.  I'd scare the kids I'm there to protect.  What it does though is often not let people know that my body is fighting a fight against me.  People say "well you look so pretty, you look so skinny, you look so put together" are you sure you're sick?  

And what I need is for someone to listen.  For someone(s) to say I can't cure you but I can hear you.  I can't plan how my day is going to go, which pain is going to stop me in my tracks, which meds are going to make me sicker while they make me better.  Everyday is a guessing game and I don't hold the pieces to putting the daily puzzle together.

What I do hold dear is a desire to share... its about the only thing left that I can control.  .

Can I Be Honest For A Moment...

I'm in an awful mood today. One of those days where I'd kick a puppy. Twice. Then sit down and cry big crocodile tears at how mean I was to the puppy and why. 

I'm completely overwhelmed and if I could shut off the world for a week and do nothing but sleep I'd do it. In a heartbeat. It's one of those moods where anything will make me snap. And a simple question I've asked today on social media is my undoing. Two hours later and the tears falling from my eyes are from fear, frustration and anger.

Today reminds me of that dumb person who told me after my dx of cancer and hysterectomy "I'm praying and believing in God for the replacement  of your organs". Trust me 11 years later and I STILL remember that. 

Fast recap. I'm sick. Yes, still. I know you all saw a picture of me smiling Saturday. It was a genuine smile. I managed to eek up every ounce of energy I had left from my latest medical ordeal and spent a few hours at an outdoor viewing of the Sound of Music. Did I mention it was a singalong? A rare moment to revel in the sheet beauty of something I love. Yeah I was in too much pain to sit up for the whole show, I spent most of it laying flat on my back. But sing along I did. 

Once the credits rolled on the screen it was like a crash landing back to reality. I didn't tell anyone but pain and nausea had me swallowing back my tears as we carried all the stuff back to the car. I spent the better part of yesterday sleeping/resting it off. 

Here's the reality. Another almost bowel obstruction this past Tuesday night gave me almost 12 hours in and ER where they have me a dose of morphine, Zofran and a ct scan for the ER Doc to casually say to me "Oh it's just lots of intestinal inflammation and twisted intenstines" and send me on my way with some Percocet, anti nausea meds and a "follow up with your Gaatro Specialist as soon as you can". 

Now it's 6 days later and thankfully I'm not writhing in pain anymore. I am however unable to eat solids, immediately feeling full and in moderate pain and nausea even with liquids, and probably dehydrated and tired as hell. And realizing my apartment is messy, I've got paperwork due at the office tomorrow, a testimony for a client I still haven't read the disclosures for and a refrigerator that needs cleaning out before the Peapod delivery that came this morning gets put away. Oh and laundry that still needs to be folded. 

I tried to make a protein smoothie this morning to see if I could handle a little but more. 5 oz took me 20 min to drink and then my stomach revolted. 

I have to go back to work tomorrow even though in a perfect world I'd stay home a while longer to really give myself a chance to recover. The pile of unopened medical bills from May are growing though so I have to drug up and make it in any way that I can. 

I asked what I thought was a simple question to help me prepare for what life in public is going to be like tomorrow and now and still crying about the apathy, meanness, and sheer neglect I got in response. 

Here's what I need. I need to find a place that sells SMALL adult smoothie/travel cups. At this point I can only take in about 4 oz of liquids at a time a couple times a day. Making a 20 ounce smoothie in a large cup is great but those 20 oz takes me 2 days to drink. I'm looking for ADULT sippy cups (to make it absolutely plain). Cups with lids that carry ideally ONLY 4-6 oz of fluids. It's much easier for me to pack 3-4 small cups that only hold that much for the workday.  I can't keep thawing and refreshing a regular 16 oz coffee mug/smoothie cup 4 times a day. 

I have plenty of regular smoothie cups. PLENTY. I am asking for HELP in finding NON REGULAR sized smoothie cups. I can't walk around with toddler sippy cups at work. Nor is it funny for you to think so. (Trust me, someone thought it would be funny for me to do). 

I really need the help researching. Please don't simply tell me Walmart, Target, Costo, The Dollar Store, Marshall's etc sell what I need because:

1- They sell REGULAR (min amt 12oz) adult cups generally.

2-They sell mini cups for toddlers that LOOK LIKE MINI CUPS FOR TODDLERS. 

3-Your casual response tells me that you either didn't read my help request fully the first time or you didn't care. Or that you don't know what the difference is between a mini cup and the regular cups you can find anywhere. 

None of those responses help me to be quite frank. I walk/Metro to work and buying 16 ounce cups to fill 4 oz of liquids in is a whole lot of large cups I'd have to carry on my back. 

I didn't @ anyone specifically to ask for help. I just put it out there because I figured maybe someone is a nurse, a med tech, a caregiver, or an avid researcher who could genuinely point me on the right direction. I welcomed questions so I can clarify why the travel mug Starbucks sells doesn't meet my meds right now. Or hell even tell me that you don't know what 4 oz looks like as compared to the zillions of travel cups I can stumble across. All I really need for you to do is LISTEN to what I need before you respond. 

And if you don't know than that's ok too. Hell I don't know. All I know is that everyone always tells me to ask for help. And to be honest. So there it is. Honesty.  If I could find this what it doesn't do is cure the pain I'm in. It does make it a little easier for me to make it through my workday the best way I can. And it lets me know that in the rare occasion I ask for help, some folks will actually try to give it. Genuinely. And won't argue my responses when I tell you that's not what I needed. 

Cause the truth of the matter is I don't have any energy to argue you right now. Or to try to justify your non answer. Or to laugh off your flippant responses. Or to act like you posting jokes about my desperate need for help is ok. It's not ok. 

Here's the Thing....Then Who...

Here's the thing.

I don't want cancer back.

There, I've said it.  I. Do. Not. Want. Cancer. To. Come. Back.

I've got the life that gives me exactly what I don't want though so there's that.  In any case, I've spent a month locked up in a hospital bed, more than I've seen my own bed, being poked by needles a zillion times, scanned, x-rayed and everything else.  And took a PET CT scan yesterday and now the seconds and minutes slowly pass while I wait for a call that tells me what the next few moments of my life is gonna be like.

Here's the thing.  Its all not quite so simple either way.

If the cancer is indeed back, we'll take a trip down memory lane.  Even if it isn't though, here I am, sick as hell, barely able to eat, bogged down in medical bills and uncertainty from being hospitalized twice in one month.  Bowel obstructions... oh joy.  Coming off the most healthy month of my life, learning that it was the ultra healthy that may have led me to my worst month in 11 years is an oxymoron of the worst kind.  Now I'm forced to eat like a picky baby, one food at a time, hell most days NO food, smoothies, white bread, soup and water have been my life.

So even if cancer hasn't made its reappearance, I'm left struggling with recurrent bowel obstructions that for some reason won't leave me alone all of a sudden.

The Docs keep looking at me really confused as to my medical history.  Hell I didn't choose this.  And surgery is in my future regardless.  Sooner rather than later.

So I say, not me.  I've had my turn with cancer.  Two kinds actually.  I've paid my dues.  Then every time I think "No fair, not me again", a little voice says "If not you then who?"

Here's the thing.  I can't think of one person on earth I'd wish this on.

But I wouldn't have wished it on me either.

Live through it

Truthful Tuesdays, Thursday Edition

- Its my blog and I'll tell truths when I want to...
-I've had exactly one lazy day in the almost 2 weeks I've been off from work.  That day is today. I will do nothing of substance except refresh my own mind.
-I woke up (late), showered, put on perfume (ocd) and then the most comfortable set of lounge clothes ever.  (More on my outfit later)
-Quite possibly I've had the most fun of my life in the past two weeks.  FAMILY has a lot to do with that.
-I'm celebrating National Rum Day.  You've been warned.
-My sister trusted me with her first born, my niece for an entire week.  Not sure if she had a tracking device on her, spies dressed as tourists following us around DC...etc but Gabby is still alive to tell the story.

-Gabby still believes in Farley.  See my last blog post for the back story.
-I visited my Mom's house for the first time in a few years. 
-I complained all summer about not having gone to the beach.  Then had a family reunion at the beach. Jones Beach.  On which there were probably 20 total people besides my gargantuan family on it the entire day.  On a perfectly sunny mid 80's Saturday.  (Those who know Jones Beach know how rare this is.)

-I finally saw the Dark Knight at the Imax in DC.  I'm sure I would have loved it 45 degrees more if it were about 45 minutes less.  At some point it lost its flavor for me and I didn't even care why Bain had that ridiculous mask on OR what he may look like with it off.  
-The guest room (den) I slept in while in NY was easily 20 degrees cooler than the entire rest of the house (for 5 other people) the entire time I was there.  My Mom literally ran from my AC one night.
-My sister spent most of the day on the beach cleaning other people's messes.  I spent most of the day tigging my toes into the sand.  That sounds fair to me.
-My Mom served me instant coffee in a extra fancy teacup.  The love and care in which she prepped this totally negated the fact that I hate INSTANT coffee.  And anything less than 16 oz of coffee at a time is a no-go for me.
-I met some family on my Dad's side of the family.  I am awesomely in love with them already.  I felt comfortable and accepted by them immediately.  My heart is full.
-I answered the door just now to the mailman.  With pum pun shorts and an ultra low cut tank top.  Mailman says "WOW, this is my lucky day".  I laughed, grabbed my package, then slammed the door shut.  When I said I was doing NOthing today, I meant it.  (Besides, he had a wedding ring on).
-I had a 4 hour long convo with one of my good friends yesterday.  Amazing the amount of talking I can do in one span.  I'll probably not talk on the phone again for another 6 months, but I'm ok with that.
-I created the most perfect playlist imaginable for my lazy day today.  8 of the 10 artists are probably rarely if ever played on popular radio.  That makes me love them even more.  
-Stacy Barthe, Frank Ocean, Lauryn Hill, J. Cole, Lianne LaHavas, Bridget Kelly, Kanye, Jhene Aiko,  Elle Varner, Ari Lennox. Walk....no run to your computer and learn why me listing those names are the biggest gift I can give you this week.

Quick excerpt from....THE NIECE CHRONICLES

So for some random reason ( can't even remember why it was necessary) I told my niece I had a monster under my couch named Farley. First she laughed, then she screamed, then threw pillows around the perimeter of the couch. (Because everyone knows monsters can't get past pillows).

Then after a zillion questions, the 1st being "Does Farley like to eat little girls?" (and being visibly relieved that I said Farley is a vegetarian), she realized having your own monster was cool. She wants a monster too, one who's purple with green polkadots,  thin and flips and cartwheels like her and likes to talk.  She wondered if it would be an issue that she talks a lot and her monster would too.  Cause, "Who would do the listening?" She decided that her monster needs to be her age to "understand her perspective".  (Her words, not mine).  She also decided that Aidan (her little brother) couldn't get his own monster yet cause "Two Aidan's is too much to handle".

She knows Farley is like me, quiet, so in true fashion, she has been sitting on my couch quiet as a mouse for 20 straight minutes. (She also removed the pillows so Farley could watch tv too). Not a flip or giggle to be heard or seen. I thought for sure she had fallen asleep so I go into the living room to check on her.  I say "Hey I thought you were falling asleep you are so quiet". 

She says (with the most seriously sincere face ever in life)  "I'm doing it for Farley". 

#NieceChronicles

Truthful Tuesdays- The Cupcake Edition

So lets put some truths on the table:


-I worry more and more about my lack of memory.  Like to the point I think I need to be tested.  How long does chemo brain last?  Some friends think its funny, but its making me VERY scared.  I can't remember the simplest things anymore.  Shit, I'm too young for this.

-I suppose if I'm too young now for this, I was certainly way too damn young for cancer those years ago too.  Now I'm angry.


- I think its taking every iota of failing strength I have to go to work this summer.  I'm burned completely out.  The thought of a sabbatical is like heaven.  The thought of being homeless and hiding from Sallie Mae is hell though.  So I work.

-I have a huge craving for a Crumbs cupcake.  And some Funyuns.  I'd think I were pregnant if I were getting some currently.  Or even had reproductive organs still in tact.  Ah well....

-I put wine in a water bottle today.  No need for alarm I only poured 5 oz but I didn't use a wine glass. I'm tired I'm in bed and I didn't wanna knock over a wine glass.  Ghetto I know but.... empty bed means I do what I want.

-Empty bed.  Empty heart.  Damn.

-I worked out two days last week.  And none so far this week.  I guess I should be disappointed with myself.  Someone give me some motivation, some scolding, something.  Cause right now I don't give a damn.

-I lost a loc in the middle of my head.  7 years in and NOW I lose a loc.

-The Frank Ocean concert last night was simply amazing. No glitz and glamour just his headband and a mic.  And the ENTIRE crowd was rocking and singing every lyric of every song.  I damn near lost my shit when he sang "Swim Good".

-I really wanna go to a concert by myself.   And terrified of doing so all at the same time.

-I need a concert boo.  Like someone who really GETS music.  Cause going with folks who aren't really TRUE music heads is not as much fun.

-I post my Truthful Tuesdays to my blog.  And link it to my FB & Twitter.  I think I'm a bit starved for a true listening ear.

-Someone sent me a "Season of singleness" email recently.  It took everything within my being not to send back an email laced with all kinds of four letter words and threats to lives.  I didn't ask for the email.  I don't even speak regularly to its sender.  All I know is I felt the heat of "Shut the fuck up" anger coursing through my veins.   Did I mention the person who sent it is married?  I typed Shut.The.Entire.Fuck.Up.And.Go.Kill.Yourself. 3 times but never sent the email.  Damn my conscience.

-Big White Room.  (If you don't know do some research)

-Lately its been pissing me off that I don't/can't have a public twitter account.  Don't tell me just do it, I have a career where I can't have clients following me.  So annoying and confining. Its made me temporarily lose my mojo for tweeting regularly.  I feel like I'm talking to myself sometimes.

-I think my tumblr followers/followees should connect with me on Twitter.  Some of you are awesome picture posters.  I can only imagine what your tweets are like.

-Had a very vivid dream recently.  Or maybe it was a daydream but either way it made me sad.

-If it comes true I'll be even sadder.

-The saying "the grass is always greener..." never guilted me into submission.  I still get jealous of a whole lot of people for a whole lot of reasons.

-I'd like to scream.  Really loudly.

-I still want some Funyuns.  Followed by a cupcake.

-Someone to split the bills with is on my bucket list with.

- If someone sends me a "Season of Single Independent Woman" email after reading that last post, I will borrow the machete my mom keeps in her closet.

-I can't remember the thought I had that made me want to do a Truthful Tuesday post today.  I kept telling myself to remember it cause it was the whole reason why I wanted to post today. Or what I was doing before I started this post. I also can't remember what I was supposed to put in my purse tonight that I need tomorrow.  Or what my supervisor asked me to do before the end of the week.  Or what I wore yesterday.

-But I do remember the cupcake.

-And the Funyuns.