Here's the Thing....Then Who...

Here's the thing.

I don't want cancer back.

There, I've said it.  I. Do. Not. Want. Cancer. To. Come. Back.

I've got the life that gives me exactly what I don't want though so there's that.  In any case, I've spent a month locked up in a hospital bed, more than I've seen my own bed, being poked by needles a zillion times, scanned, x-rayed and everything else.  And took a PET CT scan yesterday and now the seconds and minutes slowly pass while I wait for a call that tells me what the next few moments of my life is gonna be like.

Here's the thing.  Its all not quite so simple either way.

If the cancer is indeed back, we'll take a trip down memory lane.  Even if it isn't though, here I am, sick as hell, barely able to eat, bogged down in medical bills and uncertainty from being hospitalized twice in one month.  Bowel obstructions... oh joy.  Coming off the most healthy month of my life, learning that it was the ultra healthy that may have led me to my worst month in 11 years is an oxymoron of the worst kind.  Now I'm forced to eat like a picky baby, one food at a time, hell most days NO food, smoothies, white bread, soup and water have been my life.

So even if cancer hasn't made its reappearance, I'm left struggling with recurrent bowel obstructions that for some reason won't leave me alone all of a sudden.

The Docs keep looking at me really confused as to my medical history.  Hell I didn't choose this.  And surgery is in my future regardless.  Sooner rather than later.

So I say, not me.  I've had my turn with cancer.  Two kinds actually.  I've paid my dues.  Then every time I think "No fair, not me again", a little voice says "If not you then who?"

Here's the thing.  I can't think of one person on earth I'd wish this on.

But I wouldn't have wished it on me either.