I'll Never Get Tired of Listening...

Its something I've probably said a thousand and one times in my years of providing therapy.  I sometimes say it as an introduction to clients who seem like their suspicious of me as their new therapist.  Sometimes I say it to remind clients I've been seeing for years, who assume I'm not paying attention.  And sometimes it just needs to be said.

"I'll Never Get Tired of Listening".  Its a very important thing to say to a client.  After all we're taught to listen but for kids especially they don't have much opportunity to share openly without someone rushing them through their story, or telling them what to do even before they've even finished.  So I say it.  And I mean it.  I've heard good stories and bad, truths and lies, and in all the years I've been doing this I realize, there's a gem in everything they say.  And there's a trust that built when clients realize that you're giving them time to talk.

I do it for friends and family too.  Its almost 2nd nature to me to hear minutes, hours, days worth of talk from people.  I know a lot of times there's not much I can say to fix their issues, but to be a listening ear is something that heals sometimes in ways we don't always understand.  And although I don't always get it right I do it, because I know its needed.  Sometimes its all I can do to sit on my hands and tape my mouth shut because a response is not what they need.  An ear is what they need.  My advice is always there to give but I'm ok with holding on to it until its ready to be received.

And so here I am sitting on my couch realizing that I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that to me.  In a position where a chronic illness or two (or three) has taken over my life, its very easy to get bogged down by the daily grind.  Here's what they don't tell you about a chronic illness.... its chronically present.  Everyday whether I want it or not, whether I've had a good nights sleep or slept for 30 minutes.  Whether I am full of meds or struggling because every pill came back up before I had a chance to let it work its here.  And when you're first getting sick, those who are true are around, they're there to hold your hand and help you function.  After a while people's lives move on.  The only person who's life has to and should permanently alter is mine.  My diagnosis is mine.

The honest, painful truth is that naturally people probably get tired of hearing my symptoms and issues and everything else that's ugly about my life right now.  Learning to read people and know what their limits are is tough.  Often times I say 20% if what I really want/need to say because I'm always trying to gauge verbals and non verbals.  Are your eyes glazing over while I talk?  Are you looking like you don't care?  Do you seem like its too much for you to handle? If you ask me how I'm doing, do you want the truth or do you want a nice canned answer?

Its all so much to try to figure out.  Most days I'm too exhausted to try to figure it out.

You know that old saying "You don't look like what you've been through?"  Its become a curse in my life.  The routine to "look presentable" is necessary because I could never go to work looking like what I feel.  I'd scare the kids I'm there to protect.  What it does though is often not let people know that my body is fighting a fight against me.  People say "well you look so pretty, you look so skinny, you look so put together" are you sure you're sick?  

And what I need is for someone to listen.  For someone(s) to say I can't cure you but I can hear you.  I can't plan how my day is going to go, which pain is going to stop me in my tracks, which meds are going to make me sicker while they make me better.  Everyday is a guessing game and I don't hold the pieces to putting the daily puzzle together.

What I do hold dear is a desire to share... its about the only thing left that I can control.  .