Hanging in the Balance...

Sometimes people do or say things, and it leaves a lasting impression. They may not know that they've said something that'll stick with me, or maybe sometimes people say things purposefully so that it will stick. Either way, I'm one of those folks who have a hard time shaking things. If its a comment that's meant to stick, it'll stick and no matter how much I jump up and down (sometimes literally) trying to shake it off, its stuck to me like a fly on fly trap.

For the 2nd Doctor's visit in a row, my new Doc has blurted out a revelation about me, that I know ALL TOO WELL. I'm not mad at him for saying it, seems lots of times I do the counseling for people reacting to my own medical experiences. For some reason this Doc continues to say it every time he reminds himself of who I am. I seriously doubt that he's saying it to be mean, in fact he always looks so devastated saying it, I feel I need to say some things to make HIM feel better. Now before you all get upset with this Doc, one of the things I've learned about being in a helping profession in that we're human. Just because we counsel/treat clients for a variety of reasons doesn't mean we don't react/feel/etc from what we've heard or seen. So I'm sure this Doc, since he's new to my case, is still trying to wrap his mind around things and this comment comes out as he's trying to make sense of the history. (Or maybe even in cyberspace, I'm rationalizing so that I can make him feel better....again)

The problem is, that it HURTS TO HEAR IT BEING SAID. Its bad enough to think about it multiple times in a day...some days I don't think about it. Those are the vacation days, I like to say, a vacation from life. More often than not though it invades my mind, and try as I might I can't shake it. Imagine thinking the same hurtful thought about yourself multiple times a day x 7 years....

So now that I've gone back and re-read what I've typed so far I realize there's nothing I can probably do about this. This isn't one of those bring it to a head kind of post, just trying to write to keep from thinking....