DMV Mysteries....

Truthful Tuesdays: A NY Transplant in the DMV.
I've been living in DC for almost 14 years now. I still call myself a NY-er tho. I love this place but NY is my blood. If I could afford it I'd definitely move back. Anywho I've been in DC for years but still some things I don't get. These mysteries are probably the reason why I'll NEVER consider myself a DMV-er at heart.

1- The hell is going on with these gangsta ass squirrels in DC?! I swear a squirrel just threw something at me while I was walking home a lil while ago. Something hit me in the back of the legs and when I looked around all I saw was a squirrel right in the middle of the sidewalk staring at me. (Mean mugging me actually). I screamed "This means WAR!" to it. A lil louder than I realized until it came out of me (My neighbor got quite the laugh at me). I admit, I did startle myself a little. I suppose I should have looked around before I screamed that.
     This (of course) just happened to be the same (sexy) neighbor that watched me slow motion fall out a friends car onto the street a few months ago. He got a god laugh (& a few sarcastic comments out of that too). I swear I've been fighting a battle with squirrels for years. You do remember the one(s) that used to chew through the window screen at my last apt to eat bagels, right? Or the one that sits on the tree branch of my current apt, watching me brush my teeth in the morning? Or the ones that watch me walk to the bus stop early in the morning like they are either 1- gonna jump me. Or 2- gonna ransack my apt while I'm gone. Those things....I have a PURE hatred for them.

2- Mumbo sauce. Ummmm what is it? I have a problem eating something NO ONE wants to give the meaning or recipe for. The DMV holds the secret service recipe for a sauce that no one seems to be able or willing to explain. The plethora of "Carry Outs" masking as Chinese American take out spots in this area all have a slightly different but all the same mix of this special sauce. I've tasted it but I can't even tell you what it is, kinda a blend of bbq meets sweet and sour meets ketchup meets crack kinda flavor. Its tasty but scary. Therefore I don't partake.
         No one and I do mean NO ONE can tell me what its made of. Its an unnatural color too, kinda like a dye that'll stain your insides for life. I don't necessarily get down with some special mystery sauce that might be coding my DNA for body harvesting later in life or something you have to kill me for if I knew the recipe. You DMV-ers who drench your mumbo sauce on your nasty fried chicken wings and french fries can have all of that. I don't even like chicken so I can't be down anyway. (Save your judgement or black card thievery about the chicken comment, millions before you have already judged me).

3. DMV Ice Cream Trucks...ummmmm So I grew up in NY where the jingle that reminded me a truck was coming down my street was as soothing as the sweet music of Mister Rogers Neighborhood theme song. I remember clearly all of the innocent children stopping whatever they were doing to run outside and down the street chasing a surprisingly always clean white truck. The truck that held cold sweet treats. My run to the bus was paced by the sound of the jingle keeping my breathing regulated as I ran down the block. (Cause somehow no one EVER made it out before the truck passed your house). Shoutout to my sister and niece who I think STILL make that Flo Jo dash everyday.
       Anywho in DC none of this rings true. The ice cream trucks here vary in their "come hither" sounds. Its either a shrill ring, or go go music blasting. Or as I remember in horror last year, a truck that went past my apartment blasting "Black and Yellow" (Oh how I wish this wasn't true). Nothing soothing to sweetly cajole a youngster away from their book, puzzle or whatever they were doing. More like a loud "Get the hell out here" yell of a jingle that personally....makes me scared. And can we talk about the fact the trucks are always a dirty dirty white, with pictures of ice cream treats peeling off of its exterior.
       I don't see a whole lot of kids running after those trucks. I have seen more shady looking grown men walking away from them though. And they don't walk away licking a simple vanilla cone with sprinkles either. Actually I don't know what they have, the sheer sinister look of the truck makes me look away every time someone walks away from one of those trucks. I don't wanna be the witness to whatever someone is carrying away from them. Maybe it is just ice cream treats but either way I don't think I need to partake.
       Wanna know my real suspicion? My theory is that the ice cream trucks in the DMV are probably run by cooks who brew up some sweet mumbo sauce concocted ice cream flavor that only DMV natives enjoy. And I'd probably have to to be jumped in by a big army of thug squirrels in order to enjoy the treat of the DMV ice cream cone.

Hmph, I'll have none of that.