I don't really know where this blog post will end up but here's where I want to go. The best thing you can do as a friend is learning the difference between when you need to be a listening ear, or when you need to give advice.
So many lessons in life, and while I have time to learn them.....I will. I wonder (as I sit in frustration over my own experiences) how many times I've screwed up that very thing. Gave advice when all someone wanted was a listening ear. Or listened when all they wanted was for me to give advice......
Advice is a tricky thing. You have to have that balance between saying what's relevant and saying what's necessary. Case in point. An extreme example.. Two weeks after a hysterectomy from cancer....someone says "Girl I'm praying for you....I'm praying that God restores and will replace what has been taken." Sounds good right? Ummmm hate to inform you that person meant that in the literal sense. *Tap her on the shoulder and let her know that God is not in the putting ovaries and a uterus back in my body after the surgeon took it out* See what I mean, not relevant and certainly NOT necessary to say at all.
Had interesting convo with a good friend earlier. Good good convo, lots of food for thought. Gonna hang on to that one, he's a keeper....provided some comfort in both arenas. Gave advice when he needed to and certainly was a listening ear...(unfortunately to my woe is me mental state tonight).....Even when I know he was probably screaming inside to wanna yell at me for some of my comments. He held strong though and I'm extremely grateful. Being a listening ear isn't as easy as it sounds. Listening objectively to the reason behind the words coming out of someone's mouth is a skill....
Made me realize that I needed that exactly the way it happened....in the time that it did. Cause nothing, I mean NOTHING is more frustrating, demeaning, and hurtful than when someone doesn't know, or care to know the difference. Wanna piss someone off? Tell them what to do based on your own experiences which have nothing to do with their life or current situation....
I HATE THAT!! IF YOU ARE THINKING OF DOING THAT TO ME EVER AGAIN, PLEASE DON'T BOTHER. I WON'T BE AVAILABLE.....
And to be totally honest.....most times its the listening ear that's needed....I can't truly advise someone on what road would be best to take, when I haven't worn the size color and make of the shoes they have on their feet. I can try to tell them how I got there based on the path I took but then again that fork in the road they will meet wasn't there when I took the trip.... If I didn't have to get around that fork, I certainly can't tell them whether they can move around it or jump over it. Again, its best I just listen to how they plan to make it through....and meet them on the path towards the next one.
Just being real....
2 comments:
Timing and relevance is so critically important when giving advice. I am guilty of placing my narrow minded experiences in the scope of other peoples problems under the cloak of "good advice" So, it's actually good to hear someone point this out and explain how frustrating it is.
I have been there on both sides. When my friends usually tell me something, I seek what they want. I just ask them, do you want to talk for me to just listen or you really need some advice. It may not work with everyone but it does with my peeps and me.
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