I have this little quote that is in my signature in my emails that reads as follows:

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. -Mary Anne Radmacher

Can't quite remember where I found it, but its managed to stay on the bottom of my signature
for quite some time now. Usually I stick to scripture as my signature, but this one touched me just as much one day. I guess I could be really anointed and link this to a few scriptures in the Bible. If you have your Bibles, turn with me to............... when you have it say AMEN! ok I'll stop playing, I'm not a minister so I really couldn't honestly tell you off the top of my head where I could find a few scriptures that support this quote. Plus its after 1am and I'm not quite awake enough to turn on the lights and find one. Rest assured though, when I'm fully woke (a little slang for those of you who like that) I'll edit this blog and add a few. Because you KNOW there is a Word from the Lord!

Anyway getting back to the topic, courage is an interesting topic. Courage to me means exactly what the quote says. Being able to try. When I work with my kids doing counseling, its something I try to get them to understand. Courage isn't about being perfect, having no fears, or ignoring the ones you have. For a long time I thought that's what it was. Society has a tendency to want you to believe that courage is about perfection.

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not perfect. I may not always do the right thing, think the right thing, have the perfect body, make the most perfect decisions, or for those fashion concsious people, even dress the perfect way. Somewhere along the way I got it mixed up and thought that's what courage meant. Being able to stand up to all things all by myself, with no admission of imperfection. So I should move to a new place, start a new job, lift my faith to a higher level with no questions or concerns, battle a disease with no reservations, start and maintain relationships with no hesitation, etc. Imagine how draining that must be.
I recently went on a cruise and had an opportunity to escape the realities of life for a few days. Suffice to say it was a fabulous experience ( I won't drown you with too many details, I could write about my cruise experience forever!- If you'd like to hear details about the wonders of floating on my back in the ocean, email me! LOL) The ability to leave life behind, good or bad and completely engulf myself in life on the sea was an experience like no other. It was definitely what I needed.

What I noticed though (as a social worker, I can never turn off my quiet analyzations, is that a word?, of people) is that people live life in whatever circumstances they are in, most who are successful, live it to the fullest regardless of their circumstances. The people that intrigued me the most were the ship's staff. Imagine that. While I was supposed to be most intrigued by the different cultures, etc I encountered on the islands, I found most interesting the many cultures of people who cleaned my rooms and served me food.

Maybe its my hightened senses around culture because I'm a woman of Caribbean culture so I notice details more. Being a Haitian American from New York, the mecca of culture, I am into details. I don't lump all Caribbeans, All Latinos, all Africans together. I know or try to learn the differences between lets say, someone from Trinidad, or Jamaica, or Dominicans, or El Salvadoreans, etc. It always bothered me that people have a tendency to lump groups of people together, and make broad generalizations about them. Really, to assume that because I'm Caribbean, my family makes curry chicken, or roti.......... if you really REALLY know me then you know my family is all about Lambi, or griot. (Holla if you know what I'm talking about! LOL that's too pieces of slang in one blog? I'm really getting hip now!LOL)

Anywho, I digressed. The people on the ship demonstrate a level of courage I wasn't quite familiar with. I used to be so intrigued about working on a cruise ship, or the Peace Corps, just to think about being brave enough to leave family and friends behind and escape to another place all together. Its still on my list of things to do before I'm 40. (Hmmmm 8 years to go, doesn't seem so far away.) As an adult though its easier to get caught up in the responsibilities and realities of life enough to want to think that through a bit more. Leaving behind life also means navigating loneliness in a new place, leaving bills and jobs behind. The people who worked on the cruise ship were from all parts of the globe. As I got to know them and talk to them, I learned that most of them were honored in their countries at the opportunities to work in the US. Most were making more money on the ship than they would at home, and valued leaving children and loved ones behind for a 6 or more months of time to make things better for family at home. That doesn't replace the struggle of being alone in a new place, and not being able to go back to family very often if at all during that time. Living in close quarters on a ship with roomates, working looooooong hours and doing very hard work for travelers who often don't appreciate the service for what it is has to be hard. That's courage. That's true courage.

God has given me a quite a few examples in my own life and walk that finally have revealed to me the true meaning of courage. From little things like learning to advocate and share my experiences with cancer with my head held high (while inside wanting to forget it ever happened) is courage. I dont' always get it right. Sometimes I'm compelled to share by questioning people and so much as I want to forget I know that its for me to help the next person. And that simple conversation I have to answer someone's questions may plunge me so far into my experience emotionally that I can't shake the memories of the pain and suffering for days. But I can't take off work and sit at home and cry for a week. I have to regroup, get up, go to work the next day and give love and attention to my kids. Losing over 62 lbs (so far) while living and working around people who notice EVERYDAY has its ups and downs, but either way its a constant conversation I'm forced to have. And being able to truly believe that God would have a mate find me (notice the terminology, I'm very clear about God's intentions for men and women, he WILL find me) and be able to have courage enough to believe that the one who will find me will be ok with my inability to have children and some other medical issues stemming from my experience with cancer, takes a psychological and emotional level of courage that has to be replenished through prayer and trust in God everyday. Getting up in the morning praying that I can face my daily fears of reccurrence while being a vessel of love and strength to the kids and coworkers at work everyday takes a level of courage off the richter scale.

And I don't always get it right. Sometimes I snap at a parent who I know is mistreating a child, because I know they don't understand the precious gift they have in bearing their own. Or I let the fears get my mood down in a way that makes me miss the blessing of a day. Or I complain that people make nasty comments about my weight loss now that I'm healthier, becuase they may be jealous that I'm doing it and doing it the right way, but I forget that people are human and aren't always happy for you when you do something good for yourself. Or I don't remember that my experience with cancer was not only to build my reliance and trust in God, but also to be able to understand suffering in whatever forms it comes to be able to relate more to the to the kids I counsel, and to the people I encounter during my life, to understand their pain and suffering. (That last one took me five years to realize, that this was the "reason" for my experience.................God does answer all things in time)

But at the end of the day, I reflect on it and make a decision as to how I'm going to repair what I've done. Maybe its an apology to someone, repenting to God, fogiving myself. And say I'll try again tomorrow.

And you know what....... even if I dont' get it right the next day, I'll try it again . And that's courage to me.